my soul dies for you

Up until this point I haven't been able to write about this... In the beginning I couldnt think about it without crying and shaking... there weren't too many moments when I wasn't thinking about it, which meant a lot of crying and involuntary shaking.
Then things got a bit confusing. I didnt know what was going on at all, so writing about it seemed a difficult prospect.
Now it's been weeks, my mind is still processing everything... but I feel like it is time to let a few things out.

Without divulging too much information, *He* sought me out to tell me some bad news.

I cried for days afterwards, spent all weekend in bed.

My mind was a mess... I was a mess!

I wanted so much to be with you, to hold your hand, to comfort you... let me love you (while I can)

It hurts to talk, it hurts to move, it even hurts to breathe! I am so focussed on the sadness in my heart, it has taken over my mind and body. When the person you care so much about is leaving...
I could not imagine life without him. It hurt to think that he wouldn't be around for everything I had planned for us. I never realised how much of my future I imagined with him. To have that taken away felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
It made me sick to imagine life without him, to imagine his funeral... saying goodbye.

Something inside of me changed that night. A cheerfulness seemed to dissapear and from mit emerged a bitter girl who couldn't understand how the world coud be so cruel.
Selfish perhaps? definately

I knew our timing was never right, but i guess in the back of my mind i always invisaged he and i spending more and more time together, eventually creating something that was much stronger than what we once shared.

Of course he told me not to worry... I am so consumed by thoughts of you, of us, of how we were, how we are and how we now never can be, and you tell me not to worry!!! You're leaving me forever and you expect me to go on as if nothing is wrong. I can't just pretend that I'm not devestated, that I'm not going to miss you like crazy!!!

I want you to kinow that I love you.
I loved you from the start and will love you forever.
You are, and have always been such a huge part of my life,
my heart,
and when life takes you away from me a part of my soul will die too.