why?
I feel dirty and I feel sick,
but what scares me the most is that I am feeling a little glad that he still thinks of me... even if it is in that way.
I'm generally not the kind of girl who would consider something like that... but when it comes to him all logic leaves me.
It's not just this recent message either. We have been messaging a fair bit recently, and it is confusing the hell out of me!!
Every time I think that I am over him, over it, he pops back into my head again and I am right back to where I started.
I really thought I was over you this time
Its like letting go, over and over again, and when it seems like there is nothing left to let go of he offers some miniscule piece of hope that somehow makes me forget about everything else.
I find myself asking if he really knows me, or if he ever really knew me? Surely, if he knew me properly, he wouldn't be suggesting such things...
I know that he remembers. I'm often surprised at exactly how much. I guess I presumed that if it meant nothing to him, if I meant nothing to him, that he would've blocked it all out; a part of his life not worth being thought about, not worth remembering, not worthy of his time.
Or am I getting mixed up with your perception of me?
Mixed signals are his trademark. I am in constant battle with my mind over his true intentions v. my own wishful thinking.
Has it always been a goal of yours to confuse me? Or is this just a recent revelation that I am lucky to still be around to witness?
Then again, am I still around, and if so is that his doing or mine?
Could I have walked away completely?
If I had walked away completely how different would things be now?
This can't be good for him either...(not that I care, really I dont!!)
He tells me that he is 'fucked up' and 'confused' etc. Well tell me this: how is any of this helping?!? He is the instigator in this situation, so if it fucks him up so much then why still does he hang around?
Why dont you just let me walk away?
Are you afraid that I might?
I'm afraid that I can't
I am sick of it being an issue, but am sad at the thought that it wont always be an issue. Even worse; that it might not be an issue for him at all. Perhaps its nothing more than a lingering thought (annoyance?) in the back of his mind.
I realise that I dont have enough respect for myself. I realise this, because I am willing to take anything that he gives.
He meant everything to me. For a while there, I can honestly say, I was happy.
You remind me of the times when I actually knew who I was.
I hope he needs this now, because I know that I still do. But I am still to work out what this is.
Communication without clarification of intention?
Why does it even need to be something? Why do I always have to search for meaning behind everything, especially where he is concerned?
I should just say goodbye to him. All he does is take up my time, giving me false hope and stupid fantasies, when I should be focusing on more important things, more realistic things.
I shouldnt, and I cant believe that I am, even considering this for a second.
He doesnt deserve that.
He doesnt deserve me.
And I deserve so much more... at least I hope I do.
I'm just dying to love, and to be loved! Maybe by him, maybe by anyone. I'm yet to work that out. But i know one thing for sure, when I do finally work that out I'll be sure not to let him know! Because he doesnt deserve that!
You dont get to see how much you still affect me, and I wont let you see me cry!
