Looking back

I've kept a journal for the last three years now. I often enjoy reading back over entries and reliving some of my past memories. However sometimes I wonder if this is such a good idea? By going back to a time when things were different, to a time that I had once moved on from, am I putting my future in jeopardy? I am quite aware of the fact that I cannot get over things. Certain situations, certain people that have come and gone in my life, and should be left in the past, are brought back into my thoughts through my journal. Its almost becoming obsessive. If I am feeling lonely I will read my journal until it makes me feel worse. If I am bored I will read my journal until it gives me something to think about. Usually its something that I shouldn't be thinking about.

I was in a relationship, about a year ago, that ended badly for me. I am still in contact with my ex. We're not friends, it is too weird for me to call us that, and we do not spend time together, but he is still a huge part of my life... Or more accurately; a huge part of my heart. My journal is filled with beautiful stories of when we were together, it reminds me of all the beautiful things he once told me, and it makes me want these beautiful moments again. Do I want them with him? I'm not sure. I think my heart is confusing my loneliness with an attraction for him that has never left. For I don't always think of him. Whenever I close my eyes I don't always feel his touch or see his not-so-innocent smile. It only happens when I am sad, lonely, depressed... or if I have been reading my journal.

I spend a lot of my spare time just thinking. I can sit for hours, doing nothing, just thinking. And I seem to go over and over the same things again and again! Its like the world is spinning and spinning with all of my memories, good and bad, wrapped up.

I would like it to stop... just for a second

So that I can catch my breath.

Have you ever felt so caught up in your past that you cannot move on to a future? As if you are being held back by not letting go of all the things that once were, all the things you once felt?

No matter how bad it is for me, no matter how detrimental this way of acting may be to my future, I will continue to read back over my thoughts. I will keep going back to a time when things were simple. It is my escape from the world around me. When I am immersed in the pages of my journal I don't have to be me, sad and alone, even if just for a short while.